I’ve missed Valentine’s Day by a couple of weeks, and Maya’s unusual romance novel post for it was as fantastic as we’ve all come to expect, but I have an idea, darn it, and I’m not letting it go to waste! It’s time for what might become the first of many Judging a Book by its Title posts, in which I source the silliest titles of a specific genre from my colleagues and then come up with my own back-of-the-book blurb for it before reading anything about the book. In this case, I’ve chosen to aim my snark at romance novels. Filling the new fiction display and coming across Her Billion Dollar Bump by Dani Collins inspired this bit of silliness. A lot of Dani Collins‘ titles could fit this post, honestly. No shame on you if these books are your jam, though! We carry them for a reason, and they’re here to be enjoyed, I only hope my having some fun with the silly titles doesn’t offend their readers. And if any of my takes on what the title could be are more interesting to you than the accurate description, please give me a shout-out in the acknowledgements section of the best-seller you write from my prompt1.
A disclaimer: I am not a romance reader. My takes on these titles are going to be based off of those same tropes that Maya was specifically avoiding in her post2. Am I making these books sillier than they really are? It’s possible, some might even say probable. But when you see some of the titles I’m working with, I think you’ll understand where I’ve come from.
I do have some arbitrary rules for myself before we get going.
Rule #1: My guesses have to be plausible a synopsis for a romance novel. For example, taking Her Billion Dollar Bump and turning it into a court battle where the protagonist is suing a billionaire because he bumped into her with his sports car at a crosswalk isn’t going to fly. I think? Enemies to lovers is a pretty big genre. Okay, maybe that’s a bad example of an implausible plot. This rule might not come up a lot.
Rule #2: I have to write it like a back-of-the-book blurb. I’m doing this because I’m placing my version of the book next to the real blub taken from the catalogue, and it’s up to you to figure out which version is the real blub vs my hopefully convincing made-up one.
Example: Leslie Diamond thought she’d hit rock bottom when she had to move back to Port Badsault. Everyone in town knows her big-city career as a lawyer is dead in the water after losing her firm a billionaire client. They don’t know that the firm’s partner used her as a scapegoat to cover up his mess. With no means to challenge the accusations, Leslie finds herself navigating a series of odd jobs to make ends meet. Just as she’s settling into a routine, the past resurfaces in a jarring way—a collision with a sleek Ferrari reveals her fate is intertwined with that of Troy Valentine, the eccentric and striking billionaire she’d been blamed for losing.
Troy insists the accident was her fault and refuses to cover her medical expenses, prompting Leslie to take him to court—only to discover he’s returned to her old firm, just to add insult to injury. As tensions rise in the courtroom, an undeniable chemistry simmers between Leslie and Troy. Can Leslie reclaim her dignity and maybe even her career while navigating old wounds and new attractions?
Rule #3: I have to write blind. If I know anything about the book, it’s invalid for a made-up caption, which is why Her Billion-Dollar Bump is an example and not part of the post: as you see from the start of this post, the cover has a pregnant lady on it. This is the reason there are no covers in my post, as they can give up the game when I’ve inadvertently3 changed the sub-genre. There’s a BiblioCommons list of all the titles staff gave me for potential use in this post that you can browse through.
Queue up some romantic music4 and dive into the guessing game. How many of my descriptions can fool you? How many would you prefer over the actual story?
Night of the Billionaire Wolf by Terry Spear
Version 1: Lupin Grey, tech billionaire and inventor extraordinaire, has a secret: each night, he takes on the vigilante persona Wolfheart and leaves his hidden Wolf Den to fight crime. Wolfheart’s intentions are pure, but the easily distracted would-be hero is more interested in seduction than justice, much to the relief of both the city’s criminals and cops.
When a cunning criminal mastermind calling themself The Vixen emerges in town and swipes sensitive information from Lupin’s company, it’s time for Wolfheart to shape up. That’s a difficult task when an irresistibly charming socialite, Kit Reynard, keeps popping up at all of Wolfheart’s usual haunts. Kit seems to know far too much about both Lupin and Wolfheart, making it difficult for him to keep his identities—and his desires—under control. Can he reclaim what’s been lost and resist the pull of temptation, or will he find himself more tangled in romance than heroics?
Version 2: Lexi Summerfield built her business from the ground up. But with great wealth comes great responsibility, and some drawbacks Lexi could not have anticipated. Lexi never knows who she can trust… Even on vacation, Lexi has a hard time trying to relax. And for good reason–the paparazzi are dogging her, and so is someone else with evil intent. Then Lexi meets bodyguard and gray wolf shifter Ryder Gallagher, who’s also vacationing at Redwood National Park. When the two run into each other on the hiking trails, and then serendipitously rescue two bear cubs, Lexi feels safe for the first time in she can’t remember when. But secrets have a way of surfacing… With the danger around Lexi escalating, Ryder will do whatever it takes to stay by her side…
Hot And Badgered by Shelly Laurenston
Version 1: When her father places her entire family in danger, honey badger shape shifter, Charlie Taylor-MacKilligan, tries to protect her sisters and grudgingly accepts the help of a grizzly bear shifter, Berg Dunn.
When a beautiful naked woman falls out of the sky and lands face-first on grizzly shifter Berg Dunn’s hotel balcony, they don’t usually hop up and demand his best gun. Berg gives the lady a grizzly-sized t-shirt and his cell phone, too, just on style points. And then she’s gone, taking his XXXL heart with her. By the time he figures out she’s a honey badger shifter, it’s too late. Charlie Taylor-MacKilligan is pissed that her useless father is trying to get them all killed again. Protecting her little sisters has always been her job, and she’s not about to let some pesky giant grizzly protection specialist with a network of every shifter in Manhattan get in her way. He’s cute enough that she just might let him tag along– if he can keep up….
Version 2: Fresh out of veterinary school, Finoa Brooks is excited to start her dream job at the San Diego Zoo working with Mustelidae. However, her direct supervisor, Felix Frost, is as icy and chiselled as his namesake, and he is convinced she’s not cut out for the role.
When Randall, the zoo’s notorious honey badger, escapes his enclosure and gets injured during his recapture, Felix hands Finoa the unenviable task of nursing him back to health. At first, Randall doesn’t care about her help—he’s as stubborn as they come, making Finoa question her abilities. Just when self-doubt starts to creep in, Felix steps in to assist, or at least Fiona thinks he’s helping her; he claims he’s just making sure she doesn’t screw things up, but her coworkers seem to think she’s the one making all the progress.
As Finoa works to gain Randall’s trust, she starts to see beyond Felix’s frosty exterior. Could this tough vet have hidden depths? In a chaotic world of wild animals, will Finoa and Felix navigate the challenges—and maybe find a spark of connection along the way?
Cinderella’s Deal with the Colonel by Jenni Fletcher
Version 1: When a marquess’s scheme leads to the debt and demise of Abigail’s father, she wants retribution! Only, her plans at confronting the scoundrel go awry when his handsome younger brother Colonel Theodore Marshall offers her a job as his secretary. Theo’s deal helps Abigail restore her family from financial ruin, but working so closely with him isn’t as easy as she expected. Especially when each encounter sparks with tension!
Version 2: In the heart of Corbin, Kentucky, Cindy Bennett dreams of nothing more than a peaceful life running her catering business. That dream ends up in taters when her spicy fried chicken takes the internet by storm after a plug by a food influencer catapults her into the spotlight. Suddenly, fried chicken fans are flocking to Corbin to try ‘the new Colonel’s,’ chicken, and Cindy finds herself drowning in orders.
Just when she thought things couldn’t get crazier, charming food critic and ambitious investor Asher Cole swoops into town with an enticing proposal: start a restaurant, cultivate her culinary empire, and create a chain to rival KFC, but she needs to work fast to capitalize on her fame, the internet is fickle after all. As Cindy is contemplating Asher’s offer, high-powered lawyer Luke Hayes, representing the fast-food giant she’d be competing with, comes to the table with a lucrative contract that would set Cindy up for life if she sells her recipe to him.
Caught between two alluring prospects, Cindy finds herself questioning her dreams and desires. As the pitches heat up, will she choose the thrill of a new romance with Asher or succumb to the security that comes with Luke’s tempting offer? In a delicious blend of passion and ambition, Cindy discovers that the recipe for success might just include a sprinkle of love.
That Time I got Drunk and Saved a Demon by Kimberly Lemming
Version 1: Ugh, I really need to get my act together when I’m out with the coven—or I end up knee-deep in trouble. I’m Luna Hexwood, practicing witch and problem solver. If only I were as good at managing my own issues as I am at helping everyone else! What’s my latest dilemma? A ridiculously hot incubus is now indebted to me after I supposedly “saved him from an imminent truck disaster.” Not that a truck would faze a demon, but here we are. Maybe I didn’t even help, and he’s just fixated on me. I wish my coven had my back instead of encouraging this nonsense.
Still, he insists on repaying me, and given what he is, I’m sure you can guess how. But really? A sex demon? As if that could ever end well! Sure, he claims he’s reformed, but even if I’m not his next meal, a relationship with a creature like him is just asking for heartache—temptation and betrayal included. So why am I obsessing over him? I need to keep my head clear! There’s no such thing as a ‘good demon’… no matter how good he looks in those tight jeans… Augh! Focus, Luna!
Version 2: All I wanted to do was live my life in peace. Maybe get a cat, expand my spice farm. Really anything that doesn’t involve going on a quest where an orc might rip my face off. But they say the Goddess has favourites. If so, I’m clearly not one of them.
After saving the demon Fallon in a wine-drunk stupor, all he wanted to do was kill an evil witch enslaving his people.
I mean, I get it, don’t get me wrong. But he’s dragging me along for the ride, and I’m kind of peeved about it. On the bright side, he keeps burning off his shirt.
Undercover Bromance by Lyssa Kay Adams
Version 1: Grayson Pierce is caught in a sticky web of secrets. He adores his wife, Savannah, but he’s hiding a growing friendship with her high-school ex, Landon Steele. It all started innocently at trivia night in The Hoppy Hare pub, where a connection blossomed before they realized their shared connection. Now, the two meet weekly for fishing, golfing, and beers, but Grayson knows he must keep this friendship under wraps.
He isn’t worried about Savannah getting upset—after all, Landon and Savannah parted on good terms. But Grayson fears that Savannah, a romance enthusiast of a specific variety, might start pushing him for a connection with Landon that goes beyond friendship. As if things weren’t complicated enough, Landon’s girlfriend, Tiana, is hinting she’d enjoy being the middle in a threesome, putting even more pressure on the boys to keep things quiet.
In this tangled tale of love, loyalty, and laughter, can Grayson and Landon keep their bromance platonic?
Version 2: Braden Mack has read so many romance novels that he’s confident he’s an expert on romance and women. He is wrong. When Liv Papandreas landed a job working at the restaurant of celebrity chef Royce Preston one year ago, she knew she’d have to endure his infamous anger and abusive outbursts for the sake of her career. But when she overhears the man sexually harassing a young hostess at the restaurant, she confronts him and tells the young woman she’ll escort her to human resources. To her dismay, the woman refuses to make a complaint–and the next thing Liv knows, she’s out of a job. She vows that Royce Preston has not heard the last of her. But to take on the powerful chef, she knows she’s going to need help.
Unfortunately, the only person she can think of is Braden Mack. Mack has never met a woman he couldn’t woo… except Liv. When she texts him out of the blue one day and asks to meet him for a drink that night, he thinks he might finally be getting a chance to put some of the famous Mack moves on her. Instead, she fills him in on her problem and asks for help. With the aid of the Bromance Book Club (who are inspired by the romantic suspense novel they’re currently reading), they set out to take down the chef. And Liv is determined to keep the sparks between her and Mack to a minimum lest she get burned.
And that’s it for the game. How many fooled you? How many would you actually read if they were a real novel?
1 or the abomination an AI writes from my prompt. I admit, I’m half tempted to give a few of these to an LMM and see what horrific romance it spits out.
2 Also, Maya and I are not the same person despite our posts containing a lot of crossover. If you need to differentiate us, remember that she’s the one who defends the incomprehensible heat and humidity of summer, and I’m the one who enjoys the cooler, cozy months of winter.
3 or intentionally based on what I think the original is. At least one of the above/following (footnotes are weird) is 100% not the intended take and will be easy to spot, but I couldn’t pass up the opportunity.
4 You’re new to my posts if you didn’t see that one coming. But I will argue it still fits the romance bill. At least it’s better than the stalker song, which, for some reason people, think is romantic.