It’s possible I had too much fun with the last one of these, so I’m back with another one. The original intent was just to keep it to pure fantasy books because I read a lot of fantasy, but many of those titles don’t strike me as silly or on-the-nose enough to run with for my fake blurbs. I suppose I could pick many of Sir Pterry’s books, but they’re invalidated by the fact that I’ve either read it or know enough of his style to potentially have a decent guess as to what he was getting at. Branching back into romance got me marginally closer to the kinds of titles I need to really make a post like this work. Also, full disclosure: I picked a sci-fi book because it has the exact style and title I’m looking for. Also, unless it’s hard sci-fi, there are a lot of similarities between fantasy and sci-fi anyway.

Here’s a refresher course on how this works:

Rule #1: My guesses must be a reasonable synopsis for the novel based on the title. Since I get to decide what’s considered reasonable, this really doesn’t come up much.

Rule #2: I have to write it like a back-of-the-book blurb. I’m doing this because I’m placing my version of the book next to the real blub taken from the catalogue, and it’s up to you to figure out which version is the real blub vs my hopefully convincing made-up one.

Rule #3: I have to write blind. If I know anything about the book, it’s invalid for a made-up caption. One caveat: I had to look up Subject Headings to ensure I’m actually selecting books with some romance in them. That’s part of how I know I got a sci-fi.

Cue up epic¹ romance music and prepare for whatever silliness I’ve wrought. Though I should say, many of the titles I found weren’t quite as ripe for silliness this time as the first run. I hope my guesses are still fun.

Slaying the Vampire Conqueror by Carissa Broadbent

Version 1: Mira is no ordinary vampire slayer. Disdaining those who recklessly eliminate threats without considering the chaos that follows, she goes further—dismantling a vampire’s support networks and liberating the villages trapped in their grip. Each victory is achieved with meticulous care, ensuring her influence stays concealed. Now, she’s set her sights on more ambitious prey: the vampire lord of the largest city on the continent. And she’s not too proud to admit she’ll need help for this one, but why did it have to be that showboat, Voss? At least he’s distracting attention from her own efforts, even if he’s maybe a little distracting to her as well.

Gregor the Pale faces an unprecedented crisis. His loyal thralls are vanishing one by one, and even members of his own tainted bloodline have disappeared into the ether. He may rule a city, but even his most trusted informants either know nothing or aren’t saying anything. With little support and fewer answers, Gregor decides on a desperate gamble, turning to Sebastian Voss—a celebrated slayer he’d secretly made his thrall. If Sebastian can uncover the source of this escalating threat and eliminate it, Gregor will grant him the ultimate reward: the gift of full vampirism and a place at his side.

Version 2: Sylina has sacrificed everything for her goddess-her soul, her freedom, her eyes. Life in service to the Arachessen, a cult of the Goddess of Fate, has turned Sylina from orphaned street-rat to disciplined killer, determined to overthrow Glaea’s tyrannical king. But when a brutal vampire conqueror arrives on their shores, Sylina faces an even deadlier adversary. She’s tasked with a crucial mission: infiltrate his army, earn his trust … and kill him. Yet when Sylina becomes his seer, she glimpses a dark and shocking past-and a side of him that reminds her far too much of parts of herself she’d rather forget. Sylina’s orders are clear. The conqueror cannot live. But as the blood spilled by Glaea’s tyrant king runs thicker, her connection with Atrius only grows stronger. A connection forbidden by her vows. A connection that could cost her everything.

Ice Planet Barbarians by Ruby Dixon

Version 1: You’d think being abducted by aliens would be the worst thing that could happen to me. And you’d be wrong. Because now the aliens are having ship trouble, and they’ve left their cargo of human women-including me-on an ice planet. We’re not equipped for life in this desolate winter wasteland. Since I’m the unofficial leader, I head out into the snow to look for help. I find help all right. A big blue horned alien introduces himself in a rather… startling way. Vektal says that I’m his mate, his chosen female-and that the reason his chest is purring is because of my presence. He’ll help me and my people survive, but this poses a new problem. If Vektal helps us survive, I’m not sure he’s going to want to let me go

Version 2: When Captain Kelvin MacInroy and his crew find themselves imprisoned in a frigid alien prison on distant planet Briskoth, they’re not just fighting the cold—they’re fighting to survive. With only days until they become pawns in a brutal gladiatorial tournament beloved by the planet’s human-like locals, hope seems distant. Some warmth arrives in the form of Ula, a rare, research-minded Briskothian, who’s convinced that MacInroy’s crew aren’t the first humans Briskoth has seen. As the only link to the brutal tournament, Ula becomes the crew’s lifeline and they, her obsession. Determined to save the captured crew, Ula volunteers to compete in the tournament—a choice that puts her life on the line. But as sparks fly between Kelvin and Ula, their mission becomes more than just survival; it ignites a passionate connection that neither of them expected. But is it hot enough to melt the frozen hearts of the people of Briskoth?

Wooing the Witch Queen by Stephanie Burgis

Version 1: Queen Saskia is the wicked sorceress everyone fears. After successfully wrestling the throne from her evil uncle, she only wants one thing: to keep her people safe from the empire next door. For that, she needs to spend more time in her laboratory experimenting with her spells. She definitely doesn’t have time to bring order to her chaotic library of magic. When a mysterious dark wizard arrives at her castle, Saskia hires him as her new librarian on the spot. “Fabian” is sweet and a little nerdy, and his requests seem a little strange – what in the name of Divine Elva is a fountain pen? – but he’s getting the job done. And if he writes her flirtatious poetry and his innocent touch makes her skin singe, well … Little does Saskia know that the “wizard” she’s falling for is actually an Imperial archduke in disguise, with no magical training whatsoever. On the run, with perilous secrets on his trail and a fast growing yearning for the wicked sorceress, he’s in danger from her enemies and her newfound allies, too. When his identity is finally revealed, will their love save or doom each other?

Version 2: That’s the last time I play a back-alley dice game with a mysterious cowled figure. I’m a bard, not an assassin! Yet here I am, tasked with a dangerously absurd mission: remove Margweyn, the Witch Queen of Cyrenthia, from her throne—all to settle a gambling debt! How is that even fair? Especially when I’m pretty sure he cheated more than I did! And what’s the big deal about deposing her anyway? From the outside, Cyrenthia looks downright idyllic, and the few people I’ve met from there seem to love her. Maybe when I finally get there, I’ll discover she’s some sort of magical puppet master, controlling everyone’s lives or something. Or maybe she’s just a decent queen in someone else’s way, and this is politics as usual? Honestly, I feel like the one being puppeted here.

Oh, and the kicker? Apparently, I’m “not allowed to seduce her.” Thanks for that, cowl-guy, really playing into the bardic stereotypes there! Sure, it was my first thought, but that’s only because I’m utterly useless in a fight, and there’s no way my bardic magic will faze her. I can only hope I come up with a Plan B before his minions drop me off in the capital. Honestly though? I’ll probably fall back on Plan A anyway.

That’s it for this run. It was a little shorter this time because narrowing down my ideas was harder than during the first run. I ended up with some great titles to work from, but the fantasy aspect of this version meant that, well, just about anything could have worked, and I may have gotten a little overwhelmed with the possibilities. I hope the three I’ve done are up to snuff and that at least one managed to fool you into thinking it’s a real book.

¹ Couldn’t resist, but it is technically a love story. If you haven’t heard of it, enjoy the not-a-musical musical.